NOT as clear as glass.........

There are so many things I could have named this particular post; One Day at a Time, Don't Weight, yaddy yaddy ya, so on and so forth. It's a long one-so grab some coffee, a comfy chair and sit for a spell. I know I've been silent for way too long.

I am about to be very raw with you, and I am not referring to vegetables. Thank you to one particular person I spoke to this morning at length, for squeezing this post, raw but true, out of me. And let me preface the rest of this post by saying, I don't need you to feel sorry for me, pat me on the back, judge me or do anything. I just can't go on living a lie. It's not who I am. Others can do that in their lives, but until I am honest with myself, I can't be honest with others. And my getting well and living a better life depends on HONESTY!

So once upon a time....... nah. Lol! Just kidding, not THAT long ago. But to start, here's some facts. My mom was a petite person, my dad was not. Mom had a small fame and Dad had a much larger frame. Not just because he was a man, but just because that's the way God formed him. My brother and sister took after my mom, and, you got it-I took after dad. I was never the "skinny" girl, but I was always healthy. I always had larger proportions that most of my friends. Stronger lower body, with legs that could pedal a bike forever, roller skate up the coast if I wanted to and play in the trees and woods for hours on end without tiring. Fast forward to my early 20's, I was into weight training and body building (in the gym multiple times a week) and very physically active. Life was good!!  I was so outgoing and active, traveling and enjoying life, not seeing the cliff ahead........

Fast forward again, about 200lbs.  Yes. You read that right. (See? I told you I was going to be raw!) Life happens, and I let it affect me in a negative way. Well, let me back up a bit. I didn't always LET it happen. Sometimes it just happened. And it sucked.  Food was/is my drug of choice. Now, you may read that, and think I am making light of addiction. I am NOT. Addiction to food is very real. The same way people might develop other addictions to comfort certain feelings, I developed an addiction to food. It's an easy addiction to hide. For a while that is, I mean everyone has to eat. Right? Until it starts affecting your daily life, just like any other addiction. Until it threatens your life, like other addictions. I've been on a journey for the last 30 years. A long journey, with bumps, potholes, detours, breakdowns, injuries (both physically and emotionally) and wrong directions. But when a doctor tells you (watch it, here comes the REALLY raw part!) that you basically need a new knee, but "you're too big. No doctor I know will even touch you at this weight." stings.   No, it freaking hurts like someone just stabbed you in broad daylight.  Yep. I held back the tears, I got angry and spouted off to him, "Oh, I didn't realize this was a dietary consultation too!". Words I will soon apologize for to him either in person or in writing. I left there, got in my car and cried. Another blow was dealt to me later that week when I had to have an MRI on said knee.  To get my knee to the point in the MRI machine, a portion of my lower abdomen had to also go in the tube. I almost didn't make it. It was snug, so much so that when she told me she had received the orders to do the other knee I refused. I had to get out of there. I couldn't stay there another minute longer. I was having a major anxiety attack brought on by the whole situation.  Humiliated? Ashamed? Angry? Depressed?  Yep-I felt them all and more.  So I came home and did what I do best to hide my feelings. I ate. It's taken me more than a month to calm down, and realize he might have just saved my life. I still think his delivery could have been a bit better. But, honestly, would it had made such a difference if he had said it nicer? Probably not. I needed to feel those feelings to kick my ass into reality. Hello?!?!? Reality check on aisle 2!!

I don't want to die of something I might could have prevented. I know none of us can 100% guarantee that something won't cause our death, but if I can do things differently, to possibly give myself more years, I am damn sure going to try. I am not done living yet, and I have so many people to meet and love, so many things I want to do, beautiful things I want to see. I want to spend more time with my sister and my daughter, visit them more, and make more memories with them!

 So begins my journey, It's gonna continue to be bumpy at times. I am sure there will be days I will be perilously close to the edge of the cliff with the depths of my feelings looming far below, just licking their lips and waiting for me to fail. I don't care, I am going to do it! It's like that time my 4 years older and wiser sister who was living in Arizona at the time said this to my 17 years old self about hiking the Grand Canyon "You know," she said, "they don't even advise the professional climbers and hikers to do the canyon in one day."  My young and adventurous 17 year old heart said, "I don't care. We can do this!". And do it we did!  Trust me, that climb out of the canyon was hard. It was beautiful, because in the dark, when we looked up at the stars, it was like looking out of the bottom of a big bowl rimming the expanse of stars. It was spectacular. But we still complained. Then we saw a guy with a prosthetic leg, and we shut up, and just kept going. Trust me, God met us where we were that night. We were sore, and it took a few days to recover. But to this day, it remains one of the most spectacular things I've ever done, and to have done it with my sister was even more spectacular!
My sister Kellie 21 years amazing!
Circa 1980-the Grand Canyon AZ

Me-17 years brave!
Circa 1980-the Grand Canyon AZ

I am no expert, but I have some people who've been doing this life differently and succeeding for a while in my circle. And you can bet your butt I am going to be calling on them for advice, and support. So, I want YOU to know. YOU can call on me. I don't care what your struggle is, there is no victory too small!  In one week of making significant changes in eating habits (and dealing with emotions!), I already feel better. I'll be your cheerleader. You just have to hold up your end of the deal by trying. Trust me, some days you'll be bruised, and feel like your fingertips are bloody from hanging on so tight. It WILL be worth it. I promise. Taking your life back is something only you can do. No one can do it for you. This Dr. didn't do it for me, he just stated something to me that should have been clear.

As clear as glass.

I love you~don't give up. Get mad and get up every day, and do at least one thing different. I am here!



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