Into the light~

I woke up this morning, well really this afternoon. Depression does that to you, it makes you sleep and time sort of irrelevant. But I woke up feeling a bit different today. The difference is I'm feeling a bit more normal. My new normal, but a lighter feeling. Like the clouds are starting to open up, and the Son is coming out again. Yes, I meant to type SON.  I've said all along since losing Harper that I have no idea how people survive such loss without a relationship with Christ. Or a relationship with some sort of Higher Power. My Higher Power just happens to be Jesus Christ. I decided this morning, instead of my regular country music, for the next 30 days I will only listen to songs about God. Whether they be old or new, they will only speak about God and what He can and does do for me. So the first one that came on when I turned on the music was this one. I LOVE IT! It's called Shoulders by a group called for King & Country. I've only listed the first verse or so here because it's long. 
I look up to the mountains
Does my strength come from the mountains?
No, my strength comes from God
Who made heaven, and earth, and the mountains
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
‘Cause I know that You are near
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders
Your shoulders

When confusion's my companion
When I'm caught deep in the valley
My help comes from You
I've been reading a lot, praying a lot, and have come to realize that what God said in Jeremiah 29:11 MUST be true. 1 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I know this because even though He gave me an unbelieving father, he also gave me a God filled and Christ centered mother. She made sure I knew Christ and had the opportunity to experience His love. He gave me a sister who would always look out for me, be there for me spiritually, and pray for me without ceasing. I won't lie to anyone, the last 18 months have been very dark for me. There's a darkness that sometimes not even modern medicine can cure. There have been many days that I did not want to be here, I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to exist. It was too much work some days. If you've never been in that place, I pray with all my might that you aren't ever there! It's a place so dark that even the least of tasks seem as if someones asking you to climb Mt. Everest. Simple things become hard to even fathom-eating, bathing, breathing, sleeping, working, grocery shopping, dressing, talking and even existing. I know that some people don't make it out of the darkness, but I am fighting tooth and nail, clinging to God's promise for me that the life ahead is glorious. He's the only reason I have hope. Because even through the immense darkness, I've seen some light. And now I'm seeing even more. I am finally coming out of the darkness. 
Find your God, Higher Power or whatever keeps you living and breathing-cling to it! Even if your nails are bloody and your hands, arms and heart are tired. It WILL be worth it!  
Keep on seeking the light~
I love you!


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