Where does your heart live?

I know, I know. You're probably thinking, " Well in my chest of course!". No, I'm not talking about it's physical home. I am talking about WHERE does your heart live figuratively speaking. If you asked me right now, I would tell you that I am not sure where, or even how my heart is living. My heart used to live in the area of faith and compassion, with side streets of empathy and love, cul-de-sacs of understanding and belief.  But now all of those areas are under construction. That's what happens when we undergo a life changing event such as the loss of a baby, grandchild or really any one you love more than yourself. Because let's be honest, the people you love more than yourself in this world are very few. So few that they make up such large parts of your heart, that when they leave there are huge sinkholes. Huge, black endless holes that suck and destroy everything that gets close enough to the edge. Losing my grandson Harper created one of those sinkholes in my heart. So what keeps me going and searching for a way to repair what seems impossible to fix?

I believe in God-always have, always will. If you are a friend of mine I hope you recognize that. I've been present now with 3 of my loved ones as they made their move to their Heavenly homes. You may not believe in the same God that I do. And that's okay, I am not here to judge anyone. But I do want to explain why I believe in the God that I do.  I guess you could say there could be many reasons. The first someone might argue is the fact that I've been immersed in God's word since I was a child. My mother was my spiritual influence growing up. The kindest, most gentle woman I've ever known. My father was not spiritual at all. I believe that God allowed my mother's spiritual influence to override the negativity and racist demons of my father. Don't get me wrong, he was as good of a father as he knew how to be, better than the one he had grown up with even. So there's some of God's grace in that alone. I've always believed in God, and I can look back over my life and see His hand in it constantly. I used to look at people who had an easy life, and think "Why not me?". But now I've come to realize that having trials in my life is actually a blessing. It keeps me close to God, and makes me constantly seek Him. It brings me comfort and peace to believe in a God that will love me no matter my shortcomings. And to believe that He is a father who gave up something dear to Him to save ME!!

What does this have to do with anything you ask?  My daughter had some very rough years preceding Harper. She became clean the year before Harper's birth. Two days before she found out she was pregnant, Harper's daddy took his own life.  And that night, trying to comfort her, I told her,"I know this sounds ridiculous now, but I KNOW there is a sliver lining, and I know we will find it!" Two days later, our silver lining was revealed in finding out she was pregnant with Harper. Part of her, and part of her boyfriend. I prayed to God thanking Him for this baby. The baby I hoped would give my daughter the will to keep on living in the face of an unimaginable loss. And my prayers were answered. Even when it was discovered he had a host of health issues, I still thanked God. I felt like my life was fulfilled-my daughter was clean and sober, and she had a beautiful baby boy. My role as Nana was embraced with every ounce of who I was. I'd never known a love so real and pure. So, when God called Harper home at just 4 months and one week old, I was hurt. I was angry, mad, confused, and wanted to jump off of a cliff into a fiery pit. I know that we are not to understand everything and why it happens. but in my broken heart, I hear God tell me that Harper was my daughter's savior.  He had been sent to give her a reason to live. A reason to be strong, and strong she was. She never wavered in her devotion, love or commitment to Harper. THIS-this is the silver lining I've found in losing him, the fact that I still have her. And that I believe in my God and that I will see Harper again.

So you see, my heart doesn't really know where it lives anymore. I am working with my Heavenly contractor to get the repairs done, and find a new place for it to live. They are necessary and will probably take a very very long time.  Residual scars are to be expected, but I will honor Harper and his love when people ask me about them. So if your heart seems lost, keep searching for it's home. Even if you feel like you're doing all the work sometimes, and there's no one around to help you.

One of Harper's little newborn mittens resides in my bag with my medicines.
 I see his sweet pure love everyday.

 I am reminded daily that my heart will heal, but it will also hurt. It WILL find a  new place to live, and so can yours ~


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