I don’t really celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Christ’s birth every day of my life by thanking God for my faith, and for all He has done for me. But the whole shopping frenzy, “got to have this or that” and “who can out do who” bit leaves me empty. Money can’t buy Christmas, it can’t buy the things that most of our hearts truly desire. It does bring us joy to see our little ones happy, when they’ve received a gift they want, but deep down that joy doesn’t go far.
I’ll admit, I wasn’t really sure my heart would make it to this first Christmas without our little Angel Harper. It’s been a very rough 11 1/2 months. If anyone ever tells you that grief doesn’t take a physical toll on you (in addition to the emotional one), they are a liar. I tried grief counseling. She diagnosed me with “Unresolved grief”. Well duh. Isn’t that basically what grief is. UNRESOLVED??? How do you resolve that? How do you resolve the hurt, anger, bitterness of loss, loneliness, resentment, guilt and 100’s of other thoughts and feelings you have when you lose a loved one? I quit going to her, she obviously wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. She didn’t know me, and had never met my grandson or lost one of her own. How could SHE possibly help me heal? Losing Harper was only the 2nd time in my life I actually felt my heart breaking. Throughout the summer my health was up and down. I was sure my heart WAS breaking, and had all the tests that proved otherwise. I just told my sister I was dying of a broken heart, and that’s something that doesn’t show on any test. And that’s truly how I felt. One last test, at the end of the summer finally brought me some peace. An echo of my heart showed part of it hardened. It didn’t surprise me at all, and I am certain that is a result of the heartache and grief I’ve felt over the last year. Medical professionals will say otherwise, but I know my heart. You see, I can tell part of it has hardened, because I truly have trouble feeling empathy anymore. You would think experiencing what we did would make us MORE empathetic. But I think that part of my heart hardened. I hope it recovers, or maybe another part of my heart will take up the slack. I really don’t like not being able to empathize with others, or feel that I’m offering them anything emotionally.
After I found out the diagnosis, and that basically nothing could be done, I was like “Okay, this is how it is then.” I began to wonder what my purpose for being here is. If God would allow a sweet little innocent baby, loved by hundreds to leave so soon, why would he leave me? I worked, slept, ate and then did it all again. What purpose is there in that? I am so grateful for my job, because many mornings that is the only reason I got out of bed. So I prayed. I journaled, I pondered, and I prayed some more. I talked to people whom I believed could offer me spiritual counsel. Then I prayed some more. One night, in my brain, I had this thought, “Would it be so bad if your only reason for being here, is to be THERE for Rebekah?” Was that God? Was it just something my brain was saying? Or was it coming through that hardened part of my heart, the part that certainly only God could get through? I don’t know, but it made perfect sense. I am her mother, my purpose is to be her mother, for however long I have the privilege to do so. That is enough. Period. It doesn’t mean I can’t be happy in my own life doing things I love, but it does mean (at least to me) that being fulfilled by being her mom, her support system, answering her every call no matter when, where, what time or who I am with is more than enough. When she first became pregnant, she said, “I am so scared about having to do this on my own.” I asked her what made her think that? She told me she was sure I would expect her and the baby to move out eventually. Pffft. I informed her that part of my job as a mother, was to help her learn how to become one. I’d never planned on them leaving as long as they needed me. I was there for some of the practical stuff, but she far surpassed me as a mother. Showing courage, strength, emotional fortitude and love that I had never imagined or seen. So yes. I am here. I am there. I am anywhere she needs me to be for as long as she needs me to be there. She is my purpose in life, and it’s an honor I will gladly accept. So Merry Life everyone! I hope that you truly know deep down your purpose and love that no amount of money can buy and making memories with friends and loved ones~
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