How did I get through it?

I had a very dear friend ask me this today about the loss of my precious grandson Harper - "How did you get thru that Rhonda. I cannot imagine walking out without him. Did you ever lose it?? How do you manage the pain every day?"
This was my reply~ "I would have rather walked off a cliff into a pit of burning lava than to have walked out of that hospital with an empty car seat. It was, and still is the most terrible thing I have ever experienced. I can't really tell you how we did it, how we continue to do it. It's certainly not by our own accord. We have had so many people praying and honestly I believe that's the ONLY thing that has sustained us. And if Beka is strong and continues to go on, how can I not? A huge part of my heart is missing, it will never be replaced. I know he is still here somewhere, not only in our hearts. I would never want him back for me, just to have him have to go through all he had ahead of him though. More surgeries, dialysis, a kidney transplant eventually. God was so gracious and merciful to us, and to Harper. He gave him an amazing 4 months, and none of us will ever be the same. I prayed that whole day for God to take me instead. I begged and begged with every breath until Harper's heart stopped to be the one going. It all still seems so unreal, but I know it's real because he isn't here with us. That is a horrible harsh reality. I struggle every day just to get up and work, and find a reason to keep on living. I can't even imagine how my own child does it, because if I lost her I would not want to live. But Haper completed the task God set before him, he saved my daughter's life. I can never repay him for that."
We aren’t superhuman, although it would have helped. We are just like anyone else, except we experienced the worst loss one can try to imagine. I never could have imagined it. Til it happened to us. There is no handbook on how to go on living when your heart is ripped from your chest along with your breath, stomped on, chewed up and spit out. There are no words to describe emotional pain of losing a child or grandchild. Nothing even comes close. But, you do go on living. How can we not? This same person relayed to me how ashamed they were for complaining about the trials in their life, and felt guilty for not appreciating the life God had given them, when knowing we would have gladly taken Harper’s place. I told them, don’t. Don’t feel guilty for complaining. God gives each of us our own real trials, and tasks here to complete. Some people’s tasks are just finished before others, and they get the ultimate reward. This person was also nervous about asking questions. Don’t be. If anything I’ve learned, experienced, survived or done can help even one other person, I consider it a blessing to be able to share anything I know to help them. We miss this precious baby every minute of every day. I still cry. A LOT, we all do. But I feel so honored and blessed that WE got Harper to love for 129 days. It was the best 129 days of our lives. Thank you for continuing to pray for us, support us, mention Harper, and let us know that he has made an impact on your life!!!

(Picture credit Selena Stoney)


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